"People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a f forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman."
--- Erma Bombeck
The old man had died.
A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased -- what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
Green side up!
A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house.
The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.
As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room.
The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue."
Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything.
In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color.
And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"
The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.
The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically.
The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman,"
a voice intoned as the airplane lifted off.
"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner.
Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax.
Nothing can go wrong........
nothing can go wrong......
nothing can go wrong......
nothing can go wrong......"
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Include your first initial and last name and put the word HUMOR in the subject.
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(Please note that these columns are written several weeks in advance so publishing the humor will be delayed accordingly.)