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Laughter Really IS the Best Medicine


The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors.

Then he went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"


Top Ten accident excuses used by Drivers:

10. My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

9. I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.

8. Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don't have.

7. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.

6. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5. The guy was all over he road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

4. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.

3. I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.

2. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go--so I ran over him.

And the #1 excuse is:
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.


HOW TO SURVIVE A HORROR MOVIE

  • When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

  • If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

  • As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

  • If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

  • Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

  • If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

  • Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.

  • When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!

  • Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.

  • Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.

  • Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.

  • Never say that you'll be right back because you won't.

  • If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any color)comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.

  • If, looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, you see a different room than the one you are in, you see a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed.

  • If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house.

  • Top 12 Things NOT To Say To A Cop

    1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
    (OK in Texas)

    2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

    3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

    4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

    5. Are You Andy or Barney?

    6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

    7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

    8. I pay your salary!

    9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific.
    The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

    10. Do you know why you pulled me over?
    Okay, just so one of us does.

    11. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
    Yes, I know there are no other cars around.
    That's how far ahead of me they are.

    12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
    You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"


    Do you have a joke or humorous story to share?

    You can Write to us!

    Include your first initial and last name and put the word HUMOR in the subject.

    We'll try to use your contribution in a future column.

    (Please note that these columns are written several weeks in advance so publishing the humor will be delayed accordingly.)


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